Restless

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Not an easy task sometimes.

Last week wasn't a fun week for Christian. It was crappy. There...I said it. And I would have used an expletive had it been a few hours ago.

He was doing so well about two weeks ago. Hardly tensing up, no arching, sitting upright without throwing his head back, alert, just doing overall really well.

Then, all of the sudden, he was restless, it seemed. I thought, at first, it was teething. He was drooling a lot and he had three or four teeth just pushing through those little gums. So, of course, Christian would be cranky, right?

But then he was cranky the next day and the next and the next. Cranky when I moved him, cranky during stretching, cranky when eating, and the worst was in the evening when he would just lie down, visibly uncomfortable, stiff and flexed, arching and...crying.

This is how it used to be a while ago. But that had slowly gone away. This is why I think something has to be going on.

The crying. What I longed for and prayed for came to fruition and was music to my ears. It still is at times because it's the only way Christian knows how to communicate. But right now it seems like he is uncomfortable or in pain. I'm so used to going for a pacifier to calm Lola that sometimes when Christian is crying I will think - I need to get a pacif-...wrong kid. And then I get a little bit sad because I don't know what to get him that will make him feel better because I don't know where it hurts.

Needless to say, I am emotionally exhausted. All week I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what is going on. Is it his stomach? Should I call the GI doctor? Is it his muscles? Maybe he needs to be stretched out again. Is he having seizures I don't recognize? He does seem lethargic and sleepier then I would think a child his age should be, even a child in a similar situation as Christian. But do all children with brain injuries sleep a lot? Should I bring it up at the pediatrician's office? No. He's just going to send me to a specialist and I can only handle so many specialists! I will bring it up to the pediatrician but where will that get me? Should I request another EEG with the neuro? Should we do a 24 hour EEG this time? Damn, that will be complicated with the other kids, not to mention a 24 hour stay in a hospital, exposing Christian to all sorts of germs that could lead to more problems...

Can you see why I'm emotionally exhausted?

Trying to figure out how to make things better for him. Trying to figure out how to make Christian's environment and what goes into his body more optimal for him. This is what I think about all day, every day. This is what I pray about at night. And the crying...oh, the crying.

The crying, something I once prayed for, is now a reminder that my son may be in pain. It's a constant reminder to me that I have no idea why he's crying. Now that's not entirely true. I can usually pinpoint why he's upset, but sometimes I can't. I don't know why and I don't know how to make him feel better. It's also a reminder that something could be wrong and this safe little bubble we've been floating in, with it's thin exterior, may easily pop and we're back in the hospital or Christian's getting poked and prodded to figure out what's going on. Can't he just get a good night's sleep and wake up to a new day? That's what I've been hoping for a couple of days now.

Emotionally exhausted. I went to church today and the pastor spoke about leaving your burdens to God and then LEAVING them. We have a tendency to pretend to leave them, but then never let go. I guess right now I'm having a hard time figuring out where the fine line is. Does that mean not to push so much in getting answers to these medical mysteries in my son's brain? But without an answer how do we make things better? Does this mean to keep pushing but to keep open eyes and open ears so I'm open to the answers? I don't know and for today I'm tired of thinking. I'm just...exhausted. And I'm sure Christian is, too.

I'm praying for a better week this week and hopefully some answers. I'm praying that Christian will feel better and happier. And, as always, I'm praying for smiles.