Just fine.

Some people believe life is made up of moments that define your life. There is a before and after that begins and ends chapters in our life.

Before I had my son...

After I was married...

Before I had cancer...

After the war...

I remember the moment we were in the hospital when Christian was just over his worst moment. It was just after the first twenty-four hours, I think. He was in the worst room. And what I mean by that is he was in the room where the worst cases go. It has the most room for the most doctors and the most nurses.

There was a nurse who cared for Christian and as we were grasping for any kind of light and hope she cared for him with a smile on her face. I don't remember what we were talking about because I was careful not to ask what professionals thought of him as I already knew what they'd say. But I distinctly remember her saying, "He's going to be okay. He's going to be just fine."

At the time, I needed it. But thinking back now I think that was really ballsy of her. I mean it was sweet but how did she know he would be okay? And what was her definition of okay? Was she just saying that to make me feel better? Don't registered nurses know better than to say something like that?

I've thought about her over the last four years and I think she was right.

There was another moment that happened recently. Christian was given his first award. He was one of the only two kids in his class to get the special award of academic achievement. The teacher announced that he was a good role model in class and had adapted really well so far this year. The principal handed him his award during the ceremony.

It was a blurry moment. But it was a moment. 

You can imagine how proud I was of him. How far has this kid come?! Never could anyone have guessed that this child lying lifeless in the worst hospital room on the floor would be receiving an award four years later. I believed on pure and blind faith but to picture it in its entirety was just...just...something I couldn't ever picture! 

She said he would be just fine. And she was right. Just fine looks a lot different than what I thought it would but it doesn't take away the fact that he ended up being just fine in his own way. I don't know if that nurse knew what she was saying but he is just fine in a way I didn't expect, but I also didn't expect that his fine would be so awesome.

He had speech therapy today. He was eating a Reece's Peanut Butter Cup McFlurry. He was doing things in with his tongue he hadn't shown his speech therapist before. He was vocalizing, swallowing, he wanted more, he was interacting, I mean, don't get me wrong, he does have a huge crush on his speech therapy, but he was truly showing off! He even had her in tears for a second! So I got a little teary. 

On the way home I felt so unworthy of him. Like I don't deserve him or how well he is doing but I have him and I am so in awe. He is the most amazing blessing and I am better because of him.

I love his just fine.