Whimpers and Ramblings

Whimpers.

I heard some whimpers. Were they on purpose or was air just escaping across the vocal cords? Who cares?! They happened. A couple of times. I seriously almost cried my eyes out. So whoever out there prayed for Christian's cry to come back, me thinks its on its way.

I held Christian for a while today. He seemed a little more...there. This is the feeling I had yesterday, too. He's been seeming more present. Sometimes I'm surprised by this because day in and day out I'm always looking for improvements - anything - and my patience, or lack there of, gets the best of me. I have to keep reminding myself to give it all to God. You know, people say that and sometimes it sounds easier than it is. To some it may sound preachy. But there is a beauty and a peace in giving your burdens over to God. You can only really control your own actions and choices and everything outside of that is not under our control. I believe God is still working. He's no where near done yet.

People often ask me if I've seen improvements yet. Of course I've seen improvements, but I'm not sure they're the improvements others are expecting - like maybe he'll just sit up, jump down off the bed, and yell for some juicey. Christian's improvements are as small as maybe, possibly, holding the weight of his head for just 3 seconds (which he did tonight). His accomplishments are focusing and making eye contact. His accomplishments are in slow motion. But they are so huge to me. I know it doesn't seem like it's a big deal. And I'm not only talking to "others" but also, in part, to myself. In the grand scheme of things, every little movement counts. They're building blocks creating a foundation for him to grow. This is going to take time. How much time? Who knows. But we owe it to him to be there every second of the way. And we owe it to him to believe he will continue to improve.


Belief is a funny thing. I think you either have it or you don't. In tragedy, those who thought they only believed in God, but not this, or not that, or some round about version of belief find that they are reaching down in the depths of their soul for any faith they have because there are times when faith is ALL you have to get you through. This is a weak explanation of what I've been through and what I'm still going through. But I see God's face when I see my son. I see His work. I see His beauty when I look at Christian. And for those who don't have faith, I feel sad because what do you lean on?

Okay, enough of my ramblings.

I am isolated. I can't get wifi in our room, otherwise I'd be online a lot more. I have to steal an hour or two during the day while Christian is sleeping or wait until almost midnight like right now. I can't wait to get back home. Didn't I say enough of my ramblings?

On to more important things...Christian is going to get fitted for elbow braces tomorrow. This will help keep his arm straight. Although, his arms are pretty loose. I'm hoping to talk to the ortho doctor about foot braces. And there have been a lot of people concerned about Christian's hands. I, too, was a bit concerned. The PT's haven't been all that proactive about his hands because you can get them open pretty easily. I made little dumbbells but I take them out when he takes a bath or goes swimming. He has wrist braces but he gets his little fingers out of them within 10 minutes. So I'm working with rolled up washcloths, makeshift dumbbells, and lots of massage and joint compression. The joint compression works so well! He loves it.

I also get to take Christian all by myself to hyperbarics tomorrow. I had to get a special order from the doctor to break out of prison for a day trip without supervision. Normally, they require transport with a driver and an RT. But tomorrow we're going at it alone. Am I nervous? Not at all. It feels more independent for us, which is what we're trying to get to.

Manny and Gabe are coming tomorrow to stay for the whole weekend! I know it won't be too much fun for Gabe but I'm excited to see him! Our life has changed so much and really won't ever be the same as it was. He's really been a little trooper and rolled with the punches without so much as a temper tantrum. That's not like Gabe, though. He's really accepting of most situations and adapts easily so he's focused on trying to get used to 6th grade. He seriously told me that he just needs to get elementary school over with so he can get on with his life. That was verbatim. He's kind of stoked because they have a class pet - a rabbit named Dusty. And nothing spells cool like animals in the classroom, hopping around during discussions of social studies and geometry.

I had an OB appointment today and Lola looks beautiful. I got another ultrasound picture and we got a really good shot of her big head and profile. Look like another big headed Shauna baby. And still a little sister for my boys.

I love my kiddos!