One Year

"Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, but Faith looks upwards."

(Thanks, Maz!)

I was day dreaming and letting my thoughts wonder off. I was thinking about the movie Titanic and how at the end of the movie, Rose dies and goes to heaven. In heaven she is young again and starts to approach the staircase on the Titanic and all of her friends, including the love of her life, Jack, are waiting for her. As my thoughts were in the movie I picture myself and the afterlife, approaching a staircase with all my loved ones and someone handing me 11 month old baby Christian, before the accident.

I was struck by a sudden feeling I couldn't put my finger on. It was completely unfiltered and it hit me out of nowhere. The feeling was of sadness and longing for the Christian I had now. I thought, "Where was the Christian I have now?"

This all may sound weird, this day dream. And it may very well seem like I might have too much time on my hands to be day dreaming such stories.

But I was struck by the feeling of longing for the Christian I've grown to love again. I mean I loved him before. But I am deeply, head over heels in love with this boy just the way he is and in all that he'll become.

Today was the first anniversary of Christian's accident.

I think the hardest part of this day was encountering everyone who knew today was the day. Everyone was a little eggshelly with me, wondering if I was going to break down, wondering if I was okay.

I was okay. I woke up thankful that there was a little boy laying in the crib waiting for me to give him his breakfast through a g-tube. I'd much rather be doing g-tube feedings than visiting a grave site today. It's all about perspective.

I was more emotionally struck by the outpouring of support I received today. It was simply a showing of love, no eggshells attached. My favorites were a text from a loved one offering to bring me my favorite McDonalds Coffee drink if I wanted.

Another favorite...

A book arrived today with heartfelt letters from my August Mamas, Cici's Mom, and Marissa's Mom. I read every single word of every single letter. I was reminded of how the human spirit is so great and of how much of an impact Christian left on the hearts of so many. I just can't really put into words just how blessed I feel to know these women. On top of that, they made sure I received the book today. It's really those little things that get me all warm and fuzzy.

I also got a barrage of emails and facebook messages and comments letting me know everyone was thinking of us. I really don't know how people do it alone. I felt so much support and love today.

We had plans to go to dinner tonight to celebrate Christian's life. As the day closed in, the time of day when Christian's accident took place was upon us. It was around five in the evening. And conditions were the same, ironically enough. I say ironically because I remember being in the ambulance with Christian on the way to the ER. It was a rainy, monsoon evening, just like the one that brought him into this world. It hasn't rained in months and the monsoon is kind of late this year. But today, as if on cue, it rained. It started raining around the exact time of Christian's accident.

I don't know how to explain the feelings I was having. I felt almost as if a force was trying to show me - See? Remember? Don't you want to cry? It's just like that day.-

But I didn't. We were, after all, on our way to celebrate life. I looked up to the sky and said a little thank you prayer through the sprinkles. I opened my eyes just in time to see two birds flying. Blackbirds maybe? It was profound and somehow I felt God's presence all over the place. If it seemed like I was looking too hard for signs and meaning in this day, I didn't have too look too far.

We drove to dinner through more sprinkles, reminding me of the ambulance ride to the second hospital that evening. Instead we were on our way to toast with family to Christian's life over dinner.

Once the time of the accident passed I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I played the this time last year game all week and all day. But once that moment passed it was, this time last year my son was in the PICU fighting for his life, this time last year we didn't know if he'd live, this time last year we were holding his swollen little hand and praying our hearts out.

Where we are now is 100 times better, maybe even 1000 times better. And with all of the challenges and setbacks, there have been triumphs and celebrations. This journey has brought out the best in people and their ability to love someone they've never even met. Christian has taught us what deep unconditional love, hope, and faith are.

Although this life is hard and painful, there is beauty. And out of tragedy comes growth. Christian will prevail in his own way and just like that day I dropped to my knees and begged God to give Christian back to us, no matter how he gave him back, I still stand behind it. God has plans for that boy, I'm sure of it. God gave us Christian not once, but twice.

Now can I get a high five for that?

(Sorry if your neck hurts.)

And in the words of my dear friend, Jenny...

And now, we go forward!