Elephant in the Room

I feel like I need to address some things. Some things are easier for me to address than others. Some things...well, I just wasn't quite ready for, but I feel I should address them anyway.

Buckle up. This could get lengthy.

Anonymous: I've seen you on other blogs. You are not one person, but an accumulation of various posters content to comment in any way you'd like without signing to it. Happy Anonymous posts are always welcome. But it's those annoying, pesty, rub you the wrong way comments that sneak their way into your blog that are not so welcome. It's part of blogging. It's part of opening up our lives to those who care to read. And I knew it was coming. Every time I scrolled to the comments section to read comments (and I read every single one of them) and every time I noticed an Anonymous post, I'd get nervous. Is today the day I'll get that comment? Well, yesterday was the day.

As far as the comment I'm referring to, there was nothing unreasonable or untrue about what was written. And I appreciate the concern. I'd be happy to address any safety measures we've taken. However, I'm not sure the intentions were truly sincere. A private message addressing the concerns about the safety of my children would have sufficed. The suggestions in the comment rather came off as calling me out on my blog - and using a very joyous and celebratory post, at that.

Safety Precautions: I've mentioned in this blog previously, but to those who are unaware, we no longer live at the residence where the accident took place. In fact, Christian has never returned to the house since he was taken from there in an ambulance. Kind of on purpose, kind of just by circumstance. But because I didn't have to take him back there, I didn't. Plain and simple. We now live somewhere that has no pool. Although, there are pools in the neighborhood and at relatives' homes.

We're also up to date with our child and infant CPR skills.

Lola is also enrolled in ISR classes, which I will also be posting about at a later date. But I will say that I really believe that ISR will be hugely beneficial to Lola in preventing another near drowning.

What I will say is that I get it. I used to be that person. I used to be the person who needed to understand, who needed to have a reason laid out for me so I knew what went wrong and I could avoid that scenario where things went wrong (I still that person on most issues). And then I could look at that person and say, "What's wrong with you? I'd never let that happen to my child. NEVER." I used to be that person, I'll admit. And then it happened my child.

It can be anything. Choking, drowning, running into the street, ingesting toxic chemicals, every household accident is just a minute away. As far as drowning goes, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be the poster child for pool fences. And the reason why is that I've met many on this journey and heard many stories. Some of those stories include children who've nearly drowned or drowned in pools that had fences. Some of those stories include children climbing over block walls to get to a pool. Two children last summer died after drowning in a pool that had a fence. So I can't get behind the whole a fence will save everyone argument. I just can't.

What I will get behind is what Lola's ISR instructor said...the more barriers the better. However, when it comes to kids and water of any kind be it a pool, a hot tub, a bath tub, or a bucket of water, nothing rivals constant supervision.

The Elephant In The Room:

Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking. They must be thinking, How could this woman let her child almost drown? Where was she? Why wasn't she watching him? I know some people think this because it's what I would think. It's what I thought prior to Christian's accident. I made a huge mistake that day. A huge mistake. I take full and complete responsibility.

You get comfortable in your surroundings. I thought Christian was safe in our house. I never even second guessed it. He wasn't even walking at the time. I didn't for a second think he could get out of the house.

I can't give you any magic words of encouragement that if you just do x than y won't happen to you. Don't think I don't know how much fault I carry. It's with me every day of my life and I will never forget. You know I don't even wear the outfit I wore on that day. I can't throw it away. It stays folded at the bottom of my drawer so I never forget to be careful. So I never forget what I felt like when I lost my child and to never make that mistake again.

I didn't post all of this in response to Anonymous. I've been wanting to post this for a while but I wasn't ready. I still don't feel like I was completely ready nor do I feel completely like I'm articulating my thoughts and feelings on this issue very effectively. I really wanted everyone to know it all. The guilt has been a huge weight on my heart for a long time that is slowly subsiding, but may never really recede completely.
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One thing I have learned in this journey is that there is a kindness and human spirit I've never witnessed in my life. There is redemption and there is forgiveness given by the grace of God. I haven't forgiven myself for what happened. I will someday, but not today. There will come a day when I won't think about everything I should have done differently. And over time, the days have become more joyous and less sorrowful.

As moms, as parents, all we can do is our best. The truth is we're all just a moment away from tragedy, from a mistake, from a life changing event. Bad things happen in this world and in no way am I using that logic to exonerate myself.

But it's how we rise from the ashes that defines us so, excuse me, we're busy risin'.