Blackbird

It was like a calm before the storm today. The calm being Sunday in the hospital = slow and quiet. The storm being the coming week! We have back to school shopping, Gabe's birthday, the ultrasound appointment, and moving to Phoenix for a month! I'm already exhausted. Then the finale...Christian's 1st birthday is August 1st! I'm so happy he is here to celebrate it. Even if he can't have cake, I don't care. I'm so glad he's here.

Christian is still making strides and thank you to everyone who is following his journey and sending thoughts and prayers.

Christian makes little baby steps every day. Today I saw him move his mouth, which he rarely does and when he does, he only moves a little tiny bit. But he opened it a few times. He also made some sucking motions. I noticed the skin between his chin and his throat was moving up and down. I looked in his mouth and his tongue was at the roof of his mouth. He would only do it for a couple seconds at a time but he was doing it! I don't even call the doctors or nurses over when he practices new tricks because 1) they'll brush it off as something else or 2) Christian won't perform for them and then I'm the crazy mother who is seeing things. So I'm only mentioning these little victories. He'll perform for them when he's good and ready.

We had more Mommy and Christian time. I can pretty much pick him up and hold him any time I want at this point and it's great! He's stiff at first but then he loosens up and relaxes his joints. And he almost always falls asleep. He just stares up at me. Sometimes I feel like Christian is far deep inside himself and confused wondering what is going on. I hope he's not scared. When I kiss him on his cheek on his right side, sometimes he'll turn toward my lips - I'm pretty sure this is his rooting reflex. There are also orders for him not to be messed with at night so he can get a good sleep cycle down. It's not imperative that he sleep through the night. He didn't before we got here so I'm used to being up a couple times a night. But I want him to get rest and I can't stand when the nurses and respiratory therapists wake him up. He needs his beauty sleep!

I'm really just starting to realize the magnitude of the miracle that Christian is. Manny went to church today and saw the EEG tech that ran Christian's EEG the first night he arrived. The tech approached Manny and said that he had prayed for Christian that night. The EEG showed almost no brain activity. This is brain death. He told Manny he was unable to tell him that at the time and he had tested a little boy just a week prior with a similar EEG who didn't make it. Manny said the guy was almost in tears and was so happy to hear that Christian was doing well. Just on a side note...Christian's EEG was almost flat lined the night he came. They ran another one on him the next morning from a different tech who knew nothing of the one from the night before. That EEG showed brain waves and brain activity not even 12 hours later! I told that tech about the EEG the night before and said, "I thought I heard it was mostly flat."

The tech said, "Nah! See there's activity right here. They must have been mistaken."

Miracle.

I'm just trying to wrap my brain around this. Christian was literally gone and he came back to us! So it is with gratefulness and awe that I stand by what I said the night he got here... I don't care how God gives him back to us, as long as He gives him back. Everyday after He gave him back to us has been a miracle and more than I asked. It will be a long road but we'll get there with each other and sometimes just on faith alone.

I keep singing Christian a song. Now I'm no singer by any stretch but I sing little lullabies and nursery rhyme like any other Mama. But there is a song that is constantly in my head and it's Blackbird by the Beatles. Now I've done some research on the song and I know it's about the Civil Rights Movement but the lyrics in it are so meant for Christian right now and I can't stop thinking about it every time I get near him. It may sound dark but I feel like Christian is stuck way down, inside himself and he's trying to fight out of the darkness back into the light. Sorry to get all "Topics in Lyric Analysis: 101."

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly

blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.